I am not okay today.


I woke up this morning feeling negative. Insecurities like sugar ants attracted to spills crept in and I went through thoughts of doubts of where I am, my relationships, my workspace .. almost everything felt like it shouldn't matter or it was not good enough. 

Both of my elder cats came on to my bed as if they notice something was wrong with me or perhaps they just like me stroking their fur and that thought lingered on for a while in my head before I headed to the bathroom. Took the time to wash my face, brush my teeth, placed some cat food and did my make up without looking in the mirror. 

The thoughts in my head then was worrying about the dust on the mirror to how old I am this year. My mind was still occupied from my recent travels as well as the insecurities I have on how I look. Did I not care enough on how I don't apply my makeup / take care of my skin / am I suppose to wear more professional looking clothes to work as that would be my first impression to anyone / is my metabolism slowing down because of my age / why am I so lazy to actually go to the gym even though I am awake at 6 a.m/ why am I only working but not doing anything for a good cause / is my work actually benefitting anyone ... and this goes on until it was time to leave for work as well as in the car on the way to work. 

Now that I have sat down on my desk in an empty room, the only thing I head is the sound from the air-cond. I decided to look through my emails while my heart / brain feels empty.  Then a message bleeped on my phone from my partner who knows about my morning and told me the kindest words of how he will go through everything with me by my side even though I know this is something I need to work on, by myself. My own confidence, my own growth. However, his message was a light to my day and this got me to writing this. 

Even though I feel alone, I am not alone.

Even though I feel pain or lack of confidence, doesn't mean I can't work to strengthen it. 

Even though this might just be a negative that happens once in a blue moon, doesn't mean it should be ignored.

This a post to remind me of this feeling I have and if are ever in the same boat as I am, i think we will be okay.